Past Tense
by Leto
I wished I could have been born female.
My parents wanted a boy, and I don't want to be what they want me to be. I wonder how they would have treated me if I WAS a girl... less restrictive? More? Would they have gotten rid of me?
A girl couldn't have been their heir, continuing the family name, taken on the family business - because in my family's eyes, a woman is the supporting role. I could handle that - although I don't think it's quite true. All the women I've known have been pushy.
It is always the women in my life causing me problems. They're always the strong ones, and I get pushed around. If I was a woman too, I could do the pushing... I think I want that?
I wished I could have been born female.
Girls' outfits are just so much more COMFORTABLE. Girls can wear boy's clothes, I think we should be able to wear theirs. I only can in disguise though, or people would think I was weird. Maybe I am weird. Oh well.
Right now, people stare at me in horror when they find out I'm a guy. Even sometimes when I'm wearing normal clothes, that happens. Maybe I was meant to be a girl.
I like clothes shopping and fashion, roses and applying makeup. Wouldn't I make a better female?
I wished I could have been born female.
Jessiebell... ugh... I wouldn't have been forced to marry her. Maybe I wouldn't have been forced to marry at all.
I hated her, you know. Hate's a strong word, and even though I am what I am, I don't really hate anyone. Except her. Jessie hits me a lot still, but it's not the same... it's just hot temper, she doesn't scare me, or make me think I'm no good as I am.
Having to marry her was worse than you'd think. The only person I hated, and I was going to be tied to her forever. It was bad enough already, when I could occasionally escape for a couple of hours with Growly... but... I thought I would die - the real me die anyway - if I stayed there any longer. If I was female, I could have stayed away from Jessiebell altogether.
I wished I could have been born female.
They say girls can talk to each other more easily... I want to know what Jessie is thinking sometimes. Right now, we get along in perfect sync, but what's going on inside her head? The same as mine? She acts tough... maybe she wishes she is a guy? It wouldn't surprise me, somehow.
But on the other hand...
We're Jessie and James. We're a team. And she's... special to me. I said it, but she never would, I think our genders got mixed up.
But would I have these same feelings if I was a girl?
Now, I am glad that I was born male.